I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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