remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
