He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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