I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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