I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
