Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
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I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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