I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
