i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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