I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
