Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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