im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
