I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
