Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dear god my vagina.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
