literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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