So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
