1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You took a bar mat shot.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
