omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
