Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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