I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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