Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
