pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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