Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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