k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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