Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
