did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
