Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my being single is dangerous.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
