I could make wine with my vomit
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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