dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
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We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
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Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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