My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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