The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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