worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
