Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
