dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
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I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So much Jack, so little girl.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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