Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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