I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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