I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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