They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Semen is not good for contacts.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
