I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
