Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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