You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
