So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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