The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
