I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
