Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
