Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
