Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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