My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
