Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
