it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
