you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
