i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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