If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Vodka?
Forever.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
