did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
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Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
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"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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