I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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