My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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